Turning your life around isn't easy. Any change is messy. It takes awhile to get things right. We have all of our plans.."my life is going to be this way or that way after a make this change", we think. Yet, nothing ever goes according to our plans. Sometimes, things are better than we planned. Sometimes, they are worse. Other times, the are completely different, different being the key word, because they are not necessarily better or worse, simply unexpected.
When, I decided to rededicated my life to Jesus Christ not too long ago, I knew I had a hard road ahead of me. I had been through this before. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal and that is something I will have to unlearn if I'm going to follow Christ with consistency. In the past when I had doubts about my faith, if I didn't understand something, if I couldn't decide which slice to eat from the many splintered pie of theology, or if I did or thought something unworthy of Christ, I would go in the opposite direction of Him. I would go my own way. Perhaps, I can not know or please God, I thought, but I can know and please myself, right? Surely, I'm not the only person who thinks/has thought this way, but you rarely hear this sort of raw honesty or transparency from others who follow Him. Here's the thing, I KNOW others have had to think this way, but I doubt they take it as seriously as I do. I, personally, have not seen many fall from grace in such depth as I have and actually return. I want to scourge myself of these things, these imperfections and when I can not, I give up. Remember, it's all or nothing with me. All of us know people who 'backslide' and all of us have been 'backsliders' at one point or another, even if only slightly. Yet, no one wants to admit or talk about it. That makes it really hard for me. I fear, well, not really fear, but I dread (Yes, that IS the proper word!) people's reactions when I speak of these things. They go into what I like to call 'Extreme Makeover Mode' or EMM for short. The part where they try to fix me or the 'morally superior' attitudes suck, but nothing hurts or isolates me as much as the lack of honesty, transparency, and vulnerability. I just want understanding. I want someone to say. "Hey, I've been there." I need prayer and encouragement through the scripture. So far, I have done a decent job of encouraging myself (and others!) Yet, I have struggled greatly and I fear being sucked into my old ways. I know a day will come when Christ will urge me (He is already doing so, to some extent) to pick up my cross, dedicate myself to the ministry He has called me to, and, excuse my fleshy-ness, interact at a more in depth level with other Christians. The latter fills me with dread. I know it is my own heart that keeps me from loving others. Maybe, once I get past this fragile state, I will do better. Right now, I'm trudging through the mess I have created in my life as a result of not following the Lord. It turns out, the flesh leads to destruction. That is what I have learned and what I'm resisting fiercely. Please, if anyone is reading this, pray for my strength. Pray that I am able to keep seeking Christ and that this muddy bog I'm in doesn't take me under, yet, again. Pray that whatever ugliness is within me that is holding me back from fellowship and community, dissolves. There is nothing I need more in my life right now.