First of all, I want to thank all of you for following my blog! Today, I'm going to share an excerpt from my personal journal. This entry was made this morning:
Monday, January 9, 2012
After three hours of sleep, eating a half of a bag of Frito's corn chips (I would have eaten the whole bag, but there was only half left.), drinking thirty-two ounces of Cherry Coke (Or was it Dr. Pepper? I'm not sure since my husband picked it up for me at SkyMart after depositing the kids at their bus stop, God bless him. They taste pretty much the same, especially when your senses are dulled by a lack of sleep.), and smoking four whole cigarettes (one after another), I think I am ready for my first day of classes. Let Spring Semester 2012 begin!
Today is going to be a ridiculously long day. I will be leaving in a little more than an hour and I won't be home until approximately 9:30 pm. That's ten and a half hours! I may as well get used to it. This is how my Mondays are going to be from now until sometime in May.
The thing that keeps going through my mind is; I'm not going to get to see the kids all day! :( I didn't even wake up in time to see the older three before Pete ushered them off to the bus stop. He woke me up as he was walking out the door with them, so that I could sit with Manny and wait for his pre-school bus (It comes to our front door. I like pre-school so much more than elementary school! It's much more personal and uncomplicated.) Anyway, now I'm kicking myself for not getting up before the older three children were already on their way out the door. It bothers me to think they will not hear their mother's voice saying, "I love you" at all today. No child, if their mother is living, should ever have to go all day without feeling their mother's embrace or hearing the words, "I love you". That's just my honest opinion.
I could not sleep last night as hard as I tried. My mind would not turn off. The last time I remember looking at the clock, it was all aglow with red numbers that told me that it was 4:37 in the a.m. So, when Pete woke me up at around 7, I had an incredibly hard time convincing myself that sleep time was over. As a matter of fact, I probablly would've just rolled over and re-visited dreamland if it hadn't been for my sweet, sweet Manny, standing there with those big brown eyes, in his Spiderman snow boots up to his knees, and an armful of books at my bedside. When I saw his face through fuzzy, Chinese eyes and heard his excited, small voice telling me all about his new books and how much he loves them, I couldn't help, but covet his energy and cheerfulness. I also felt the heaviness and sorrow of a missed opportunity. I am referring to the fact that I didn't get to see the other kids before they left. But, Manny, he was still here and depending on me to make sure that he was all bundled up against the chilly morning air, his cheeks were covered with enough kisses to get him through the day, and that he made it safely onto his little yellow bus when it arrived.
I forced myself through the fogginess that seemed to be plastering me to the bed and threw off the security of my thick, warm blanket, unwilling to lose this; My last opportunity to be mommy for the day. I would be in the role of college student for most of the day, but I had this small window of time to be mommy and I was thankful for it. As I got him ready, I let him do most of the talking (as usual..lol). He told me all about his books and I even got to read him half of one of them before the bus arrived. I bundled him up, covered him with kisses, told him how much I love him, and walked him out, hand-in-hand to his waiting school bus. As I watched the bus disappear around a corner, I took in a deep breath of fresh air, and I felt somewhat redeemed, though not completely, for missing the same opportunity to do the same with the older kids, but there's not much I can do about that, is there? Except hope and pray that they didn't notice or weren't effected by the lack of my prescence, although, I'm sure they were. Pete takes good care of them, but he's not a very affectionate man, especially after being woke up several times through the night by his insane and insomniac wife's reading, writing, and rustlings about.
After standing on the sidewalk, lost in my thoughts for quite sometime, I went back inside and took a look around. My house is a complete and utter wreck! I cursed myself for pissing away my weekend. Now I won't be able to clean until tomorrow afternoon. I imagine I will be exhausted when I get home tonight. I have to leave for class at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow morning and I won't get home until around noon. I guess the house will just have to be a thorn in my side until then.